Sometimes it can be a challenge to find the right language or the right timing to really harness those "teachable moments". Chloe is very good at feelings, listening, and she really wants to do well and learn. That coupled with our focus on communication and interpersonal awareness makes us a family who talks, reflects and resolves. Usually, its all very Chloe-friendly and she soaks it right up, like the wonderful sponge that she is. Sometimes, I find myself talking too much (too long) and/or using too big of words. Words Chloe uses regularly, but may not yet understand the full meaning or implication behind them. Like: responsibility, positive, negative, effort, attitude etc. We can see her, at times really listening and then right around that moment- we lose her. It's okay- we shift the focus and the energy and try to remember for next time to choose our words and get to the point- quickly and simply. We also remember that laughing and playing about things are also good ways to teach. On this day what started off as a somewhat serious conversation with a very frustrated and deflated Chloe, turned into a noisy, fun, game about a very important concept.
After the whole talk about toilet paper and how to use less she seemed very confident and ready to take on her new habit making. The next morning was a bit of a different story.
She woke up early to use the bathroom and shortly after I heard her crying and crying from her bed. I jumped up to go see what was the matter. When I got in her room she told me that she just couldn't do it. She would never feel like she got herself dry with less paper. She was feeling so worried and scared that things would just never be okay. I layed down with her for a minute and told her how I knew it was hard right now, but someday it would be easy. She'd done a good job just then, and we could talk more about it later when we all woke up for the day. I promised that we would help. That made her feel peaceful enought to go back to sleep.
When we did get up we were all sitting on Chloe's bed talking about this new challenge.
She was again, very upset and believed that she simply could not do it. "I just can't. I can't." She kept saying.
I really wanted to tell her about how she could if she just believed she could. This is a super hard concept to teach. We started talking about thoughts in your head that say "I can't" and how those thoughts can be very "loud". We were explaining that those are just thoughts in your mind that you can believe or not believe. Abby said those thoughts were like your mind talking to you and you can listen or not listen. Those things your mind says are sometimes true and sometimes not true.
Abby said "That mind can be tricky - Tricky Mind!"
I said - "But your mind has other thoughts too, ones that want you to keep trying... it's your Trying Mind"
...and so the conversation went, where we explained- complete with appropriate voices and antics about Tricky mind and Trying mind what they can "say" to you.
We talked about how everyone has a tricky mind and a trying mind and they give us thoughts all the time. We demonstrated how tricky mind can be so loud that you sometimes forget that you even have a trying mind. We came up with a booming play voice for tricky mind and all the things it says and yells at you. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" And then we found a silly, meak sounding voice that was trying mind telling us that we can do it if we try. "you can do it..you can do it"
We played and played with the voices and talked about how they can get louder if we cheer them on. Any time we say something out loud or think about what the mind is telling us... it gets louder and louder and more difficult to hear the other one. We can cheer on our Tricky mind or cheer on our Trying mind. Trying mind gets very happy and excited when its being listened too and believed, Tricky mind gets very loud and growl-y sounding when its being believed.
We made sure to be clear:
No matter how loud Tricky mind gets- Trying mind is still whispering to you.
BUT!! If Trying mind gets loud enough...it can make Tricky mind totally go away!!
Chloe absolutely loved this conversation. She was completely engaged, giving examples, using the voices, laughing at the battles between the two.
She was making connections to other things that she had a Tricky mind about. She even made the connection that it was the same with Worries. She has a book about worries that teaches her about how they come without being invited and the only way they stay around is if you think about them. It gives examples of how to get rid of a worry by thinking something different or silly.
She was totally getting it, and we were having a fun time playing with the characters and voices. She felt better about the bathroom thing and ready to keep trying.
Later in the day, we'd occasionally say "I think I hear Tricky mind talking..." Mostly, she wasn't able to fully come away from her tricky thoughts right away, but she knew what we were talking about. At least now we have a new language to use that makes more sense to her than "positive attitude"....
Next time I'll try cheering on Trying mind and see if that helps, too.
**Note** A couple days after these toilet paper conversations, I went into her bathroom and found her cute little folds of paper on her counter waiting for her to use. Upon inspection, I noticed that she'd only given herself two squares each...!! I couldn't help but smile at her ambition, and also understand her frustration even more- my mommy heart bleads. When she comes back, we'll definately make sure she knows she doesnt have to use only two squares- more like 6 or 8 will be a much easier transition.
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