We've had a sort of deal with Chloe for a while now. She knows that we would really like her to eat her vegetables at school. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. On the days that she doesn't eat them, she has them for dinner- or her after school snack. This makes a lot of sense to her, and helps us prevent waste.
We do try and put things in her lunch that she enjoys, not expecting her to really go out of her comfort zone at school. So, we frequently ask her about her preferences, and she tells us if she thinks of something.
Recently, she had some broccoli and carrots in her lunch. She hadn't eaten them at school, so she was having them for dinner. She asked if broccoli could not be one of the vegetables she got at school. No problem, she eats a fair amount of broccoli at home.
The next day she was sitting in the counter and said to me- "Mom, I have an idea- How about you put broccoli in my lunch and each time I eat it, I can get two marbles. That way you can teach me to eat my vegetables at school."
I was so tickled at her saying this, the idea of her helping with ways to teach her how to be healthy. I laughed out loud. I didn't mean to, but I'd embarrased her. When this sort of thing happens, she feels like I'm laughing at her. I always feel so terrible. I try to tell her I just love the way she thinks, and the things she says make me so happy I laugh sometimes. Still, it doesn't feel good to her. I try not to have "big" reactions to her precocious moments... but sometimes I just can't help myself.
I think its a great idea, actually. But I'm not sure if it is really teaching the "lesson" if she already knows the purpose.... but at any rate, it was her figuring out ways to make good choices and get more marbles. And that's pretty good to me.
I gave her carrots and broccoli in her lunch the next day. She ate the broccoli and not the carrots. And asked for her marbles. I'm not sure why I think it's a little silly.... I guess there's no harm done.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Neighborhood
Lately I'm loving our little neighborhood. Chloe has a handful of friends right on our block and we are so close to her school. We have some neighbors who are very friendly and we can ask to borrow things and help them out, too. I feel good about Chloe "going out to play". Life is good.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday night
Last night Abby made the "Best, most magical" home made Mac n Cheese! Then we had our matching ring-pop desserts while we watched a family movie- Matilda. Chloe loved the clever, smart, magical little girl. Magic abounds. 
Friday, September 14, 2012
Chapter books
In the last few weeks Chloe has started reading chapter books. It's been wonderful to see a whole new world open up to her. She started with Bad Kitty books, and on to Judy Moody- which she is really into. And she's just started to read a Clementine book, so we'll see if she likes those, too. Of course I'm so excited I want to get her more and more... But I'll do my best to curb my consumerism and let her take the lead. I'll sit by beaming with pride as our second grader reads third grade books.
Correction: the book she is reading is is "Interest level: Grade 3-5, Reading level: Grade 4.5"
Mommy-pride feels good.
Correction: the book she is reading is is "Interest level: Grade 3-5, Reading level: Grade 4.5"
Mommy-pride feels good.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Experts
Abby and Chloe have been doing a fair amount of baking/cooking together. So, they are having a lesson on the kitchen aid mixer. 
After the mixing was done, Abby had to call in the experts for licking the tools. We did a very thorough job.
Keeping the picture
We agreed that this picture with sticks and stones will be hard to keep, so we talked about how we could remember it. Chloe had the idea to take some pictures of it and then recycle the rest. We couldn't put the leaves back outside because they had paint on them, but the rest went back into nature.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Second Grade meet-n-greet
I started this school year with a heavy heart. Very heavy, to be honest. Chloe's first day of school was Tuesday September 4th. This was the first year that she was with her dad on the first day of school. I did not get to take way too many pictures of her waking up, eating breakfast, and walking out the door with her chosen outfit on. I didn't get to take the morning off of work and drive her to school and deliver her to her classroom. These types of memories and moments are so incredible valuable to me, for many reasons. The days are drastically numbered when I'll be able to participate on this level. I want to experience, remember and document them. Most other days, holidays included, I feel perfectly fine celebrating on an alternative day. But missing out on this one was...so difficult.
For positivity sake, we did get to do a few things together for school! We went shopping for her new lunch box. She chose one just like her's from last year, only blue. It came with a water bottle again... she's hoping not to lose it like the last one. We agreed that if we can find a lunch box with a cat on it, we'll get that one. She said to me "Mom, I'm not sure if you quite understand how much I L-O-V-E cats. CATS! I love them!" So... off I go, shopping for a lunchbox with a cat on it. Or maybe I'll refrain from the retail therapy/love trap and let her be okay with the box we were able to find at the store. Better yet, maybe I'll find the cat lunch box and she can earn it from her treasure chest of rewards.
We also got to attend her Meet-n-Greet for her new classroom and teacher! It was the friday before school started. She'd been very nervous about starting second grade and having a new teacher, classroom, and classmates. We've had endless conversations about what to expect, being okay with feeling nervous, and remembering all the times she's nervous to start, and then things turn out really fun. At the meet-n-greet we found out that her two best friends are in class with her!! That was such wonderful, exciting, relieving news. She got to find her desk, put her name on it and find a chair that was just right for her.
We explored the classroom a bit and found a fish tank that had no fish yet and a lot of books. She was excited to find the books. I found the bin of books about dinosaurs. I pointed it out thinking she'd take an interest- you know since she's loved dinosaurs for so long... but she just said "Yea... I'm not as into dinosaurs anymore." I actually think it was just the other day at home (as in two days before) we read one of her favorite dinosaur books together. Alas, she wrote "Judy Moody" as her first choice for books the teacher can get for the classroom.
She was also very nervous about her outfit. She said she was too dressy. She was happy up until I kept complimenting her on how pretty she looked - then she got increasingly self conscious about her wardrobe choice and wanted to change. oops. We ended up talking to her into going with what she wanted to do to start with- and I kept my million compliments to myself. When we got to the school- her very best friend was wearing essentially the same exact outfit. I'm pretty sure she felt better after that. Close one.
For positivity sake, we did get to do a few things together for school! We went shopping for her new lunch box. She chose one just like her's from last year, only blue. It came with a water bottle again... she's hoping not to lose it like the last one. We agreed that if we can find a lunch box with a cat on it, we'll get that one. She said to me "Mom, I'm not sure if you quite understand how much I L-O-V-E cats. CATS! I love them!" So... off I go, shopping for a lunchbox with a cat on it. Or maybe I'll refrain from the retail therapy/love trap and let her be okay with the box we were able to find at the store. Better yet, maybe I'll find the cat lunch box and she can earn it from her treasure chest of rewards.
We also got to attend her Meet-n-Greet for her new classroom and teacher! It was the friday before school started. She'd been very nervous about starting second grade and having a new teacher, classroom, and classmates. We've had endless conversations about what to expect, being okay with feeling nervous, and remembering all the times she's nervous to start, and then things turn out really fun. At the meet-n-greet we found out that her two best friends are in class with her!! That was such wonderful, exciting, relieving news. She got to find her desk, put her name on it and find a chair that was just right for her.
We explored the classroom a bit and found a fish tank that had no fish yet and a lot of books. She was excited to find the books. I found the bin of books about dinosaurs. I pointed it out thinking she'd take an interest- you know since she's loved dinosaurs for so long... but she just said "Yea... I'm not as into dinosaurs anymore." I actually think it was just the other day at home (as in two days before) we read one of her favorite dinosaur books together. Alas, she wrote "Judy Moody" as her first choice for books the teacher can get for the classroom.
She was also very nervous about her outfit. She said she was too dressy. She was happy up until I kept complimenting her on how pretty she looked - then she got increasingly self conscious about her wardrobe choice and wanted to change. oops. We ended up talking to her into going with what she wanted to do to start with- and I kept my million compliments to myself. When we got to the school- her very best friend was wearing essentially the same exact outfit. I'm pretty sure she felt better after that. Close one.
Life lessons
I was daydreaming about a time when I was young. My mom had a quote on the wall in the hallway. She would always have my brother and I go read if if we were being "difficult". It was the serinity prayer. Funnily enough, for the longest time I really had no idea what it meant, I just read it because she told me to. But the time out always helped my attitude fade. In time, when I did understand it- it came to gether for me. There were also a few sayings that she used to say all the time. It got me thinking... this repetition is one of the many tools we mothers have to instill our values in our childern. I starting thinking about all the times I've talked with friends and they say "My mom used to always say...." and now it's something they embrace in their lives to be true.
So... what are the things I always say? What are the things I want our kids to think of when they say "My mom used to always say..."?
And... maybe I'll make a sign to put in the hallway to have them go read it during those "moments".
Feeling scared is just an opportunity to be brave. -or- If you're scared, and you do something anyway... that means you're brave.
Of course this is followed up with the distinction between scared-nervous and scared-danger. I'm not sure where I picked this up. I feel like I learned it inside me during those times of talking myself into being brave.
Fair: When everyone gets what's right for them.
This is a good one for kids. So many times "It's not fair!!" is a hard one to address. For me, the old "life isn't fair" answer just isn't enough.
Breath, think, and do the next right thing.
Okay, I got this from a TV show, but it's just so incredibly good. It applies to every single situation no matter how small or big.
You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.
I've heard this from multiple sources... but I really believe it. I find myself actually saying "It's okay to be upset/dissapointed but you still need to be nice." I'm sure this will evolve as Chloe gets older, the the lesson remains. Another important one.
It's never too late to apologize.
Just so so true.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.
We talk often about this concept- positive thinking, etc. Believing in yourself. Trying hard. Not giving up. And how damaging it is if you believe you can't do something, or give up before you try- and try hard.
If you say you can't, it means you won't.
This one came from my mom. It's true. It's simular to the last one, and reminds us how powerful our words are.
Home is a safe place- and we are a safe place for you.
We model this and talk about it and enforce it at every opportunity.
You are: strong, kind, smart, hilarious, capable, important, sweet, lovable, amazing, creative, enough.
An empowering quote on a painting I saw.
I wonder what Chloe will remember when she's older... maybe there will be things she remembers me saying that I didn't even mean to instill. Time will tell- and I daydream of those conversations someday in the future.
So... what are the things I always say? What are the things I want our kids to think of when they say "My mom used to always say..."?
And... maybe I'll make a sign to put in the hallway to have them go read it during those "moments".
Feeling scared is just an opportunity to be brave. -or- If you're scared, and you do something anyway... that means you're brave.
Of course this is followed up with the distinction between scared-nervous and scared-danger. I'm not sure where I picked this up. I feel like I learned it inside me during those times of talking myself into being brave.
Fair: When everyone gets what's right for them.
This is a good one for kids. So many times "It's not fair!!" is a hard one to address. For me, the old "life isn't fair" answer just isn't enough.
Breath, think, and do the next right thing.
Okay, I got this from a TV show, but it's just so incredibly good. It applies to every single situation no matter how small or big.
You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.
I've heard this from multiple sources... but I really believe it. I find myself actually saying "It's okay to be upset/dissapointed but you still need to be nice." I'm sure this will evolve as Chloe gets older, the the lesson remains. Another important one.
It's never too late to apologize.
Just so so true.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.
We talk often about this concept- positive thinking, etc. Believing in yourself. Trying hard. Not giving up. And how damaging it is if you believe you can't do something, or give up before you try- and try hard.
If you say you can't, it means you won't.
This one came from my mom. It's true. It's simular to the last one, and reminds us how powerful our words are.
Home is a safe place- and we are a safe place for you.
We model this and talk about it and enforce it at every opportunity.
You are: strong, kind, smart, hilarious, capable, important, sweet, lovable, amazing, creative, enough.
An empowering quote on a painting I saw.
I wonder what Chloe will remember when she's older... maybe there will be things she remembers me saying that I didn't even mean to instill. Time will tell- and I daydream of those conversations someday in the future.
Raising elephants
Chloe has a subscription for a kids magazine called Ranger Rick. She really loves getting them in the mail and looks forward to reading the jokes and having us read the articles with her. There are always articles and information about animals, preserving species and habitats, and awareness of dangers to animals, etc.
We were both excited when we got the latest issue of her magazine and there was an article about raising orphaned baby elephants. An elephant orphanage.
Chloe knows I adore elephants. I told her about how I remember when I first starting loving elephants. I was young- close to her age, and I'd gotten my hands on a kids magazine with an article about them. I read it over and over. I couldn't get enough of the pictures, the facts and the stories.
So, it was special that we were reading her magazine article about elephants together. As the article went on it described this orphanage and the workers there. They live day in and day out with the babies. It describes the personalities and needs of the babies, and how they feed them with giant bottles, have play time, and even sleep with them. Then it explained how eventually, they take to babies to the wild and help them transition into being in a herd and learning how to survive. It explained that the elephants don't forget where they came from and will, after years have passed, return to the place they were released and bring their babies and grand babies to "introduce" them to their human friends.
Chloe was riveted. Near the end of the article Chloe said to me:
"When I grow up, I want to raise elephants in an orphanage like that."
I said, "I'd love that, because then I could come visit you and see the elephants all the time."
We were both excited when we got the latest issue of her magazine and there was an article about raising orphaned baby elephants. An elephant orphanage.
Chloe knows I adore elephants. I told her about how I remember when I first starting loving elephants. I was young- close to her age, and I'd gotten my hands on a kids magazine with an article about them. I read it over and over. I couldn't get enough of the pictures, the facts and the stories.
So, it was special that we were reading her magazine article about elephants together. As the article went on it described this orphanage and the workers there. They live day in and day out with the babies. It describes the personalities and needs of the babies, and how they feed them with giant bottles, have play time, and even sleep with them. Then it explained how eventually, they take to babies to the wild and help them transition into being in a herd and learning how to survive. It explained that the elephants don't forget where they came from and will, after years have passed, return to the place they were released and bring their babies and grand babies to "introduce" them to their human friends.
Chloe was riveted. Near the end of the article Chloe said to me:
"When I grow up, I want to raise elephants in an orphanage like that."
I said, "I'd love that, because then I could come visit you and see the elephants all the time."
Embarrassed
The three of us went to the grocery store and, this time, got one of the smaller carts. We made our way to the produce section and were all deciding what fresh food to buy. Chloe, having just gained some confidence the last time we'd been to the store, was manning the cart. I warned for her to be careful with the cart because it is different than the bigger ones and may not handle her stepping on it.
She must have forgotten my warning, because after a few moments, she attempted to step up on the cart and promptly fell backward onto the floor, and the cart came down with her. We were standing right there and quickly caught the cart and helped her up. A few other shoppers standing close by noticed and showed concern immediately. When Chloe stood up and saw what a spectacle she'd become she started crying loudly.
I bent down and asked her if she was hurt anywhere- she shook her head, no. I asked if she was embarrassed and she nodded her head, yes. Abby and I exchanged a look and we said "Well, we better get out of here then!!"
We grabbed her hands and started, crouched, hurrying from display to display making our way out of that section of the store. We made a game of "hiding" behind every little thing we could find and rushing to the next- playing on staying out of sight and hoping those strangers would forget what had just happened. Chloe's spirit immediately lifted. She started hurrying and giggling and playing with us. We'd rescued her.
Once we made it to another part of the store, we slowed down and started shopping again, but continued to play the hiding-behind-things game for a bit. Chloe loved it, and had long since forgotten about her embarrassment.
So I think back on this experience:
(Note: It is a strong value of ours that honestly reflecting on yourself and your actions can only make you better. This is true in life and certainly in parenting.)
First I think: No amount of warning from me would have been able to teach her that those carts can be dangerous better than the memory of actually pulling one down on top of herself. Of course, I'd rather her never get hurt or experience something dangerous... but there is no denying the lasting effects of a real life lesson learned. So I shelf the mommy-guilt for that one, feeling glad she wasn't injured in the process.
Then I, of course, think about how we handled the embarrassment factor.
I've been thinking about this a lot, actually- it's been a week since this happened. It was one of those parenting situations that's difficult to plan for; we'd just gone with the moment. I've been pondering weather we "did the right thing".
This is actually small example of a common topic for us. We quite often ponder and discuss: How do we do the best by Chloe, to help her grow into the most confident version of herself? We definitely know that she is easily embarrassed and being center of attention rarely feels good to her - this being an understatement. She generally either shuts down or breaks into tears in those moments. How do we empower her so that she isn't continually tortured by her beautiful temperament? My dream for her is to be peaceful in who she is. It's a long, ongoing process- watching, helping, guiding her as she grows and developes. I also know that in a way, "growing up" is really just a series of very poignant moments. So I put a lot of weight on instances like these, and feel it is our job, at times, to manufacture those moments if possible. Did we show her the best thing? Did we teach the right lesson? Did we demonstrate who we are to her? Did we lift her up and celebrate her? I hope so.
To be honest, I'm not sure that teaching her to "run" from her embarrassing moments is the best overall lesson in handling embarrassment...I mean- what is the best way to handle embarrassment? Graciously smile and allow yourself to blush a bit, laugh at yourself for doing something silly, and move on confidently? Maybe- but who is able to do that? Certainly not most adults I know- certainly not myself all the time. And how do you explain or expect a young girl to be able to do that, or even understand how to get to that point. You don't.
So I hold on to this: We showed her that we are there for her and can help lift her up, that embarrassment can be funny and doesn't have to end feeling terrible, and mostly- we will never humiliate her. I hope that is what is what she holds onto, too.
She must have forgotten my warning, because after a few moments, she attempted to step up on the cart and promptly fell backward onto the floor, and the cart came down with her. We were standing right there and quickly caught the cart and helped her up. A few other shoppers standing close by noticed and showed concern immediately. When Chloe stood up and saw what a spectacle she'd become she started crying loudly.
I bent down and asked her if she was hurt anywhere- she shook her head, no. I asked if she was embarrassed and she nodded her head, yes. Abby and I exchanged a look and we said "Well, we better get out of here then!!"
We grabbed her hands and started, crouched, hurrying from display to display making our way out of that section of the store. We made a game of "hiding" behind every little thing we could find and rushing to the next- playing on staying out of sight and hoping those strangers would forget what had just happened. Chloe's spirit immediately lifted. She started hurrying and giggling and playing with us. We'd rescued her.
Once we made it to another part of the store, we slowed down and started shopping again, but continued to play the hiding-behind-things game for a bit. Chloe loved it, and had long since forgotten about her embarrassment.
So I think back on this experience:
(Note: It is a strong value of ours that honestly reflecting on yourself and your actions can only make you better. This is true in life and certainly in parenting.)
First I think: No amount of warning from me would have been able to teach her that those carts can be dangerous better than the memory of actually pulling one down on top of herself. Of course, I'd rather her never get hurt or experience something dangerous... but there is no denying the lasting effects of a real life lesson learned. So I shelf the mommy-guilt for that one, feeling glad she wasn't injured in the process.
Then I, of course, think about how we handled the embarrassment factor.
I've been thinking about this a lot, actually- it's been a week since this happened. It was one of those parenting situations that's difficult to plan for; we'd just gone with the moment. I've been pondering weather we "did the right thing".
This is actually small example of a common topic for us. We quite often ponder and discuss: How do we do the best by Chloe, to help her grow into the most confident version of herself? We definitely know that she is easily embarrassed and being center of attention rarely feels good to her - this being an understatement. She generally either shuts down or breaks into tears in those moments. How do we empower her so that she isn't continually tortured by her beautiful temperament? My dream for her is to be peaceful in who she is. It's a long, ongoing process- watching, helping, guiding her as she grows and developes. I also know that in a way, "growing up" is really just a series of very poignant moments. So I put a lot of weight on instances like these, and feel it is our job, at times, to manufacture those moments if possible. Did we show her the best thing? Did we teach the right lesson? Did we demonstrate who we are to her? Did we lift her up and celebrate her? I hope so.
To be honest, I'm not sure that teaching her to "run" from her embarrassing moments is the best overall lesson in handling embarrassment...I mean- what is the best way to handle embarrassment? Graciously smile and allow yourself to blush a bit, laugh at yourself for doing something silly, and move on confidently? Maybe- but who is able to do that? Certainly not most adults I know- certainly not myself all the time. And how do you explain or expect a young girl to be able to do that, or even understand how to get to that point. You don't.
So I hold on to this: We showed her that we are there for her and can help lift her up, that embarrassment can be funny and doesn't have to end feeling terrible, and mostly- we will never humiliate her. I hope that is what is what she holds onto, too.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Tricky mind vs.Trying mind
Sometimes it can be a challenge to find the right language or the right timing to really harness those "teachable moments". Chloe is very good at feelings, listening, and she really wants to do well and learn. That coupled with our focus on communication and interpersonal awareness makes us a family who talks, reflects and resolves. Usually, its all very Chloe-friendly and she soaks it right up, like the wonderful sponge that she is. Sometimes, I find myself talking too much (too long) and/or using too big of words. Words Chloe uses regularly, but may not yet understand the full meaning or implication behind them. Like: responsibility, positive, negative, effort, attitude etc. We can see her, at times really listening and then right around that moment- we lose her. It's okay- we shift the focus and the energy and try to remember for next time to choose our words and get to the point- quickly and simply. We also remember that laughing and playing about things are also good ways to teach. On this day what started off as a somewhat serious conversation with a very frustrated and deflated Chloe, turned into a noisy, fun, game about a very important concept.
After the whole talk about toilet paper and how to use less she seemed very confident and ready to take on her new habit making. The next morning was a bit of a different story.
She woke up early to use the bathroom and shortly after I heard her crying and crying from her bed. I jumped up to go see what was the matter. When I got in her room she told me that she just couldn't do it. She would never feel like she got herself dry with less paper. She was feeling so worried and scared that things would just never be okay. I layed down with her for a minute and told her how I knew it was hard right now, but someday it would be easy. She'd done a good job just then, and we could talk more about it later when we all woke up for the day. I promised that we would help. That made her feel peaceful enought to go back to sleep.
When we did get up we were all sitting on Chloe's bed talking about this new challenge.
She was again, very upset and believed that she simply could not do it. "I just can't. I can't." She kept saying.
I really wanted to tell her about how she could if she just believed she could. This is a super hard concept to teach. We started talking about thoughts in your head that say "I can't" and how those thoughts can be very "loud". We were explaining that those are just thoughts in your mind that you can believe or not believe. Abby said those thoughts were like your mind talking to you and you can listen or not listen. Those things your mind says are sometimes true and sometimes not true.
Abby said "That mind can be tricky - Tricky Mind!"
I said - "But your mind has other thoughts too, ones that want you to keep trying... it's your Trying Mind"
...and so the conversation went, where we explained- complete with appropriate voices and antics about Tricky mind and Trying mind what they can "say" to you.
We talked about how everyone has a tricky mind and a trying mind and they give us thoughts all the time. We demonstrated how tricky mind can be so loud that you sometimes forget that you even have a trying mind. We came up with a booming play voice for tricky mind and all the things it says and yells at you. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" And then we found a silly, meak sounding voice that was trying mind telling us that we can do it if we try. "you can do it..you can do it"
We played and played with the voices and talked about how they can get louder if we cheer them on. Any time we say something out loud or think about what the mind is telling us... it gets louder and louder and more difficult to hear the other one. We can cheer on our Tricky mind or cheer on our Trying mind. Trying mind gets very happy and excited when its being listened too and believed, Tricky mind gets very loud and growl-y sounding when its being believed.
We made sure to be clear:
No matter how loud Tricky mind gets- Trying mind is still whispering to you.
BUT!! If Trying mind gets loud enough...it can make Tricky mind totally go away!!
Chloe absolutely loved this conversation. She was completely engaged, giving examples, using the voices, laughing at the battles between the two.
She was making connections to other things that she had a Tricky mind about. She even made the connection that it was the same with Worries. She has a book about worries that teaches her about how they come without being invited and the only way they stay around is if you think about them. It gives examples of how to get rid of a worry by thinking something different or silly.
She was totally getting it, and we were having a fun time playing with the characters and voices. She felt better about the bathroom thing and ready to keep trying.
Later in the day, we'd occasionally say "I think I hear Tricky mind talking..." Mostly, she wasn't able to fully come away from her tricky thoughts right away, but she knew what we were talking about. At least now we have a new language to use that makes more sense to her than "positive attitude"....
Next time I'll try cheering on Trying mind and see if that helps, too.
**Note** A couple days after these toilet paper conversations, I went into her bathroom and found her cute little folds of paper on her counter waiting for her to use. Upon inspection, I noticed that she'd only given herself two squares each...!! I couldn't help but smile at her ambition, and also understand her frustration even more- my mommy heart bleads. When she comes back, we'll definately make sure she knows she doesnt have to use only two squares- more like 6 or 8 will be a much easier transition.
After the whole talk about toilet paper and how to use less she seemed very confident and ready to take on her new habit making. The next morning was a bit of a different story.
She woke up early to use the bathroom and shortly after I heard her crying and crying from her bed. I jumped up to go see what was the matter. When I got in her room she told me that she just couldn't do it. She would never feel like she got herself dry with less paper. She was feeling so worried and scared that things would just never be okay. I layed down with her for a minute and told her how I knew it was hard right now, but someday it would be easy. She'd done a good job just then, and we could talk more about it later when we all woke up for the day. I promised that we would help. That made her feel peaceful enought to go back to sleep.
When we did get up we were all sitting on Chloe's bed talking about this new challenge.
She was again, very upset and believed that she simply could not do it. "I just can't. I can't." She kept saying.
I really wanted to tell her about how she could if she just believed she could. This is a super hard concept to teach. We started talking about thoughts in your head that say "I can't" and how those thoughts can be very "loud". We were explaining that those are just thoughts in your mind that you can believe or not believe. Abby said those thoughts were like your mind talking to you and you can listen or not listen. Those things your mind says are sometimes true and sometimes not true.
Abby said "That mind can be tricky - Tricky Mind!"
I said - "But your mind has other thoughts too, ones that want you to keep trying... it's your Trying Mind"
...and so the conversation went, where we explained- complete with appropriate voices and antics about Tricky mind and Trying mind what they can "say" to you.
We talked about how everyone has a tricky mind and a trying mind and they give us thoughts all the time. We demonstrated how tricky mind can be so loud that you sometimes forget that you even have a trying mind. We came up with a booming play voice for tricky mind and all the things it says and yells at you. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" And then we found a silly, meak sounding voice that was trying mind telling us that we can do it if we try. "you can do it..you can do it"
We played and played with the voices and talked about how they can get louder if we cheer them on. Any time we say something out loud or think about what the mind is telling us... it gets louder and louder and more difficult to hear the other one. We can cheer on our Tricky mind or cheer on our Trying mind. Trying mind gets very happy and excited when its being listened too and believed, Tricky mind gets very loud and growl-y sounding when its being believed.
We made sure to be clear:
No matter how loud Tricky mind gets- Trying mind is still whispering to you.
BUT!! If Trying mind gets loud enough...it can make Tricky mind totally go away!!
Chloe absolutely loved this conversation. She was completely engaged, giving examples, using the voices, laughing at the battles between the two.
She was making connections to other things that she had a Tricky mind about. She even made the connection that it was the same with Worries. She has a book about worries that teaches her about how they come without being invited and the only way they stay around is if you think about them. It gives examples of how to get rid of a worry by thinking something different or silly.
She was totally getting it, and we were having a fun time playing with the characters and voices. She felt better about the bathroom thing and ready to keep trying.
Later in the day, we'd occasionally say "I think I hear Tricky mind talking..." Mostly, she wasn't able to fully come away from her tricky thoughts right away, but she knew what we were talking about. At least now we have a new language to use that makes more sense to her than "positive attitude"....
Next time I'll try cheering on Trying mind and see if that helps, too.
**Note** A couple days after these toilet paper conversations, I went into her bathroom and found her cute little folds of paper on her counter waiting for her to use. Upon inspection, I noticed that she'd only given herself two squares each...!! I couldn't help but smile at her ambition, and also understand her frustration even more- my mommy heart bleads. When she comes back, we'll definately make sure she knows she doesnt have to use only two squares- more like 6 or 8 will be a much easier transition.
Silly time
Abby can always lift spirits. After the hard talk about the biscuits, they started playing and laughing together- and Chloe recovered from her sad feelings.
It always feels good to come together. She sure loves her Abby.
She's Punny
Chloe made a pun. On purpose. It was so adorable. She was very proud of herself and started laughing right with us. We all laughed so hard together and kept trying to make more puns.
We were making some pizza dough bread and talking about Kneeding the bread and how that is a different word than "need". We talked about the different spelling and meaning and a few other words that sound the same but are different.
Chloe got quiet for a minute, concentrating on her task...
We were making some pizza dough bread and talking about Kneeding the bread and how that is a different word than "need". We talked about the different spelling and meaning and a few other words that sound the same but are different.
Chloe got quiet for a minute, concentrating on her task...
Then she said:
"Do we really 'NEED' to be doing this??"
Biscuits, no thank you
For breakfast we decided to make some biscuits. We got our cookie cutters out to make shapes and all picked the ones we wanted. Chloe measured and poured all the ingredients, finding the fractions of cups and filling perfectly to the line every time. We all drank some "bakers juice"- (chocolate soy milk) to give us just the boost we needed.
We were all very excited when we sat down at the table to eat our breakfast of fruit salad and home made biscuits. After a few minutes, Chloe got very quiet and stopped eating. I asked her if something was bothering her, and she said there was, but she didn't know how to talk about it. She had her head down and seemed very sad. I asked her if she wanted to write it down on a piece of paper, and then we could talk about it. She immediatly said she could do that and went to get a piece of paper. She came down from her room and sat at the counter to write her note.
Then she quietly and carefully walked over to me and handed me her thoughts.
"_______________"
(I'm not happy with how the biscuits turned out and I feel bad about not liking them)
I read her note and hugged her onto my lap. I told her I understood her feelings, and why she felt bad. I told her I was happy she could write her feelings to share them. I asked if she was okay if I showed Abby her note so we could all talk together. She walked over to Abby and melted into her hug. We told her we love her, and it was totally okay if she doesn't like the biscuits. We tried to tell her that we were so happy to have the time baking together that it's okay if we don't love what we made. We told her she was very sweet to be concerned about our feelings. Abby told her a secret: biscuits aren't her favorite thing either- but because she has so many memories from baking them as a kid, she wanted to share it with Chloe.
At first, Chloe was so sad about not liking them she just couldn't feel good about having the experience with us even after we assured her that she hadn't hurt our feelings and she didn't have to eat them. Her spirits started to lift, nonetheless and we moved on to have a great morning.
My mommy-heart melts when she is so sweet and delicate. I experience her feelings as so deep and raw... I hope to always protect them. I don't want to harden her. We take every chance we get to make the safe sanctuary for her to grow into her true self.
Even though, in the moment she couldn't be happy about the experience after not liking the biscuits... I hope the memory with us is still a good one.
We were all very excited when we sat down at the table to eat our breakfast of fruit salad and home made biscuits. After a few minutes, Chloe got very quiet and stopped eating. I asked her if something was bothering her, and she said there was, but she didn't know how to talk about it. She had her head down and seemed very sad. I asked her if she wanted to write it down on a piece of paper, and then we could talk about it. She immediatly said she could do that and went to get a piece of paper. She came down from her room and sat at the counter to write her note.
Then she quietly and carefully walked over to me and handed me her thoughts.
"_______________"
(I'm not happy with how the biscuits turned out and I feel bad about not liking them)
I read her note and hugged her onto my lap. I told her I understood her feelings, and why she felt bad. I told her I was happy she could write her feelings to share them. I asked if she was okay if I showed Abby her note so we could all talk together. She walked over to Abby and melted into her hug. We told her we love her, and it was totally okay if she doesn't like the biscuits. We tried to tell her that we were so happy to have the time baking together that it's okay if we don't love what we made. We told her she was very sweet to be concerned about our feelings. Abby told her a secret: biscuits aren't her favorite thing either- but because she has so many memories from baking them as a kid, she wanted to share it with Chloe.
At first, Chloe was so sad about not liking them she just couldn't feel good about having the experience with us even after we assured her that she hadn't hurt our feelings and she didn't have to eat them. Her spirits started to lift, nonetheless and we moved on to have a great morning.
My mommy-heart melts when she is so sweet and delicate. I experience her feelings as so deep and raw... I hope to always protect them. I don't want to harden her. We take every chance we get to make the safe sanctuary for her to grow into her true self.
Even though, in the moment she couldn't be happy about the experience after not liking the biscuits... I hope the memory with us is still a good one.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
The TP Delema
We had an "issue with tissue" come up this weekend... and we felt like we'd harnessed a few teachable moments pretty well:
So...Chloe uses a lot of toilet paper. I mean a LOT. I'd been noticing it, so when she came and asked for some more paper I used the opportunity to have a little talk with her in her bathroom. I showed her a trick on how to measure some TP so she gets enough but not too much. She seemed a bit worried that she wouldn't be able to change her habit, but I told her to just try.
A day and a half passes. I was in the kitchen. Chloe comes up to me and says: "Mom, I have a problem, and I need your help with something."
"Sure, what is it?"
"Well...I know I'm supposed to be using less toilet paper, but I just keep forgetting... I'm trying but...I'm out of paper again."
Inside I'm saying: WHA!!?? NO WAY!! A whole roll in a day-and-a-half!!!??? Yikes!
But I actually said: " Okay, well- That does seem like you're still using quite a bit. Thanks for coming and asking for help, sweetie. We can figure this out together."
I walked around the counter to talk with her. About that time, Abby heard what was going on and came to join our conversation. She told Chloe she was surprised at how much she'd used in the last couple days, and also told her that she was proud of her for coming to ask for help. We reassured her that she'd been trying, and that's good, and that it would take some practice to change. We asked her if she had any ideas on how she could remember to use less, and we offered her some ideas of our own. She explained that she was very worried that if she used less, she wouldnt be able to get herself dry.
So... we dove in. Abby went and got a roll of paper and some water. She poured a few drops of water on the table and we all practiced "wiping" the water with various numbers of squares and various folding techniques. Chloe was really interested and learning and got very motivated to continue trying.
Together we determined that we could, if we needed to, wipe with as little as two squares- but that we could use as many as 6-8 and still be way better off than a whole handful. Certianly, any time you'd need to use more in order to be clean or dry, that is the best choice.
It seemed a little silly at moments talking in such detail about these things... But it was just what Chloe needed, and thus... completely worth it.
Now that she had some confidence, we wanted to help her remember in the moment. We suggested that she break off some sections of paper and put them on the counter in her bathroom. That way she could just reach for a section instead of for the roll. She was happy with this solution and went upstairs to make some sections for herself.
I love that she feels like she can come to us for help for things like this - and anything really. That we will listed to, help, and empower her.
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